


And it was so far to fall

by goonandkissthegirl



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Post Reveal, Supercorp endgame, but here we are, everyone is probably sick of these, healthy communication is my kink, season 4, the p is pronounced in this universe, we've got lots of character exploration, with a heavy dose of thoughts and feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 09:03:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20306935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goonandkissthegirl/pseuds/goonandkissthegirl
Summary: She thought there would have been more yelling. Once or twice, on her own, she’d even imagined what it would feel like to flat out deck her lying best friend in the face.Then again, she thinks of Kara’s expression after, and maybe she got her hits in after all.or, how Kara and Lena process, and communicate, and heal.





	And it was so far to fall

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyyyy! Here's my take on the post reveal. Mostly an exploration of how conflicted I think they both feel about the secret. And y'all know I'm all about talking shit out. As always, could use more editing, but I've reached the point of 'fuck it.'
> 
> Enjoy!

Lena was trapped. Emotionally, not physically this time, which one might say was far favorable. However, the churning of her stomach and the tremor in her hands told her this situation was in fact, much worse.

She could admit the alcohol probably didn’t help, either.

But her thoughts were a mess. Roaring in her ears and swirling in her gut; replaying years’ worth of memories. Back and forth of the rights and the wrongs, what was real and pretend. Desperately trying to fight her instinctual reactions, and still unable to escape the ache of the lies.

She could feel herself spiraling, stuck in a shit-ass catch-22. She was getting too used to the reality that, for Lena, when it rained it goddamn well poured. And now, with her favorite person in the whole world, shit had really hit the motherfucking fan.

Part of her argued that it wasn’t fair to expect Kara to reveal her innermost secret. Lena believed that you could trust someone, without knowing every single thing. That, in fact, it was quite impossible to know everything about a person. You could love someone and still fear revealing something about yourself to them. She knew these things and believed them. And she was very certain a large part of Kara’s duty was to keep the secret—to keep herself safe.

Lena herself had kept secrets. Most she eventually revealed. But some she kept. Even now, there were things she knew she’d always keep to herself.

She’d told Alex once, after discovering the truth of her job at the DEO, that Alex didn’t owe her any explanations. That everyone had a right to their own secrets. And Lena _believed_ that. At the time, she was sure of it.

Objectively, she understands that Kara doesn’t owe anyone the secret that could put her in harm’s way. Most of the time, she thinks Kara doesn’t owe her anything. Because Kara had already given her so much.

And yet. Still. It _hurts_. Even though it shouldn’t. Even as she recognizes the mean turn of her inner thoughts and the illogic behind them. It hurts because it’s Kara. And with Kara she’s always hoped a little too much. Hoped that Kara knew she would always be safe with Lena. 

The other side of her, equally as a rational, is what keeps her in the spiral. Because the secret _involved_ her. Kara hadn’t simply kept to herself. Supergirl hadn’t kept to herself. Both sides of the blonde’s persona had actively been involved in Lena’s life. If she’d only had one or the other, she thinks it wouldn’t have been quite as relevant. Maybe then it wouldn’t have felt _so_ personal.

When she packs all the hurtful ego tortures into their boxes, she’s left with the very real impact of being a large player in both Kara and Supergirl’s life. Regardless of intention, Kara _did_ manipulate her in some ways: treated her differently, kept her in and out of the loop in certain situations, used her for information.

There was no denying Lena had been toyed with and taken advantage of when convenient as a result of interacting with Kara and Supergirl separately. So yeah, that shit _hurt_.

She’d suspected for a long time. Made lists and left subtle hints. Invited the confession of such a secret many times. But suspecting and knowing were completely different realities. Suspecting left open possibility, doubt, hope. Knowing, and knowing at the hands of anyone other than the Girl of Steel herself, left only self-doubt, damaged trust, confusion. And had she mentioned the insidious _hurt _at every turn?

In spite of all that, all she wants is to see Kara. To be with her. To talk things out. Let her explain. Let her believe that everything with them can be put back together again.

But she drags the open bottle of whiskey back to her lips, lets it burn down her throat longer than what’s acceptable. She can’t make sense of her feelings, drunk or otherwise. Best to let her dissonance simmer in booze for at least another night. She doesn’t think she can handle crying herself to sleep anymore. If the alcohol beats her to it, she considers it some kind of demented victory.

++++

Kara liked to think she was a fairly reflective person. Admitted to her faults and owned up to her shortcomings. She liked to believe she knew herself quite well, even as her friends teased her for being clueless at times. Yes, Kara could admit she was a great many things, but she didn’t really think herself a coward.

In fact, if questioned, most would never attribute the category to the Girl of Steel. And yet, it had been weeks since she told Alex she was ready to tell Lena her secret. Weeks of planning and get togethers, practicing in front of the mirror, and preparing for the worst. Weeks of looking her best friend in the eye and wanting to keep them in their protective bubble.

There was no denying, especially to herself, that Kara was scared shitless. And when it came to confronting her best friend with the truth, she might be the biggest coward in the multiverse.

She had let Lilian Luthor get the best of her yet again. Her words after the Daxamite invasion had infected her until she’d realized far too late that the damage was already done. She’d told James that she’d waited too long. And she knew she had. Because how else could she explain why it took her so long to tell her _best friend_ this big of a secret.

She put herself in Lena’s shoes and knew it would read as a betrayal. It reminded her of how she’d felt after learning of Mon El’s heritage. How the lies stung and filled in every crevice. How she’d wanted nothing to do with him, at first. And in many ways, she had done the same thing to Lena. In many ways, she was certain, she’d done far worse. Of course, she had betrayed Lena’s trust. Kara certainly had her reasons, and she’d give them if asked; but she knew she’d dug herself in deep. There was no simple way to fly out of this one. She could only hope, in time, Lena would be willing to give her a hand up.

Even then, Kara knew. She understood. She was working on accepting that forgiveness was a long shot.

Every once in a while, a part of her tries to convince of the idea that she could just keep the secret. Never have to face the reality of Lena knowing the truth. That everything between them could stay the same. It was becoming harder and harder to keep those fantasies alive. Because when she looks to the future, she wants Lena in it, always. And she knows the impossibility of that future without Lena knowing the truth.

Led by guilt, and cowardice, and every ounce of regret—of all the times she’d questioned, ignored, put off this inevitable—she finally knocks on Lena’s door.

++++

Time. She asked for time. Not an unreasonable request, all things considered. She was actually quite proud of how rational she’d been, considering how often she’d imagined a much wilder scene. Yet she hadn’t been surprised by Kara’s presence at her front door. The look on her face, told Lena exactly what she’d come for. Still she ushered her in with a smile and followed the blonde’s magnetic pull to her own small balcony. A comfort for Kara, and she’d wanted her to have that. She’d nodded calmly and listened, bracing for the worst even as she found herself soaking in every word.

Yelling. She thought there would have been more yelling. Once or twice, on her own, she’d even imagined what it would feel like to flat out deck her lying best friend in the face.

Then again, she thinks of Kara’s expression after, and maybe she got her hits in after all.

What did it say about them that Lena had hardly said anything once Kara finished her speech? Kara had been genuine, sure—earnestly so. Apologetic and understanding to a fault. The more she told Lena, the more she wanted to forgive. Which was good, she thinks. But still didn’t explain why she’d hardly said anything in response—nothing but a hushed _I need some time, please?_

And, _god_, her face—tear streaked and nose running, eyes draining of their light before Lena’s own. Jaw tightened and shoulders slumped, Kara nodded and quietly left the way she’d come.

Before, Lena would have never let Kara leave in such a state. A large part of her wanted to stop her best friend and hold her as tight as possible. Hold on until they were fixed. Instead she’d let Kara pour her heart out to her and had given her nothing in return. What did it say about them that Kara had actually walked away?

++++

Months. It sounded like a long time, but Kara was surprised by how quickly they’d passed. The ache of a piece missing never left her, but she’d learned to adjust to it. Loss was an old friend and she’d learned long ago how to keep living despite knowing her life would never be the same.

She fell into old patterns— prioritized Supergirl duties and investigated every story she could get her hands on. The more time she could keep busy, the less time she would have to focus on how lonely she was. Of course, she still had Alex. And J’onn and Nia and Brainy. Though James had returned to Metropolis, Winn had finally come home. So, she wasn’t necessarily _alone_. She wished it was enough.

Alex—likely at the encouragement of her new girlfriend—had been pushing her to look into therapy. A bit tricky considering the identity situation, but she could admit she probably needed to talk to someone. Alex had always been the one to dig her out of the hole, but she didn’t think it was right to keep expecting that of her. Her sister had saved her countless times, was keeping her afloat still; but it wasn’t fair to her. They’d been through this cycle enough to know it needed to change.

Tomorrow. She’d ask J’onn about the DEO’s counseling services. Secret as they were, she trusted that HR Pam wouldn’t let something like that slide. Until then, she could continue to bury herself in work. A look at her watch told her it was nearing ten and she was surprised to realize how long she’d been plugging away. Also, that she hadn’t been called away for some kind of emergency by now.

She’d never imagined herself to be the ‘lose yourself in work’ type. She wonders if it would make Lena happy, to know she had picked up so many of her habits. The thought hits her squarely in the chest, draws pause to any and all action for a moment. She rubs at the spot near her heart, as she does every time Lena sneaks back into her conscious thoughts.

And just like that, Kara knows her work is done for the night.

She doesn’t do it often. Knows it’s overstepping wishes. Is always guilt-ridden at the blatant crossing of personal boundaries. But every once in while Kara let’s herself forget; allows her senses to search for and reach out to Lena.

She finds her at L-Corp, working much the same way Kara is—was—feverishly typing at her computer, working diligently at whatever project Kara’s sure has taken priority these days. Kara wonders if they’ve sent someone lately for updates on the latest L-Corp releases. Wonders if it had surprised Lena to be interviewed by someone else from CatCo. Wonders again if Lena misses her the way she desperately misses Lena.

It’s only for a moment. Only to make sure she’s there and okay. And it soothes and tears at her in equal measure, but at least Kara knows.

For the millionth time she wishes somehow Lena could know that she’s still here, too. Still here and okay, and always, always waiting.

++++

Kara disappears. Not in the way she always fears—Supergirl is constantly about—but she never sees _Kara_.

And she knows she’d asked for time. She knows her space is being respected. Knows actually seeing Kara wasn’t something she was ready for yet. But she sees everyone else—mostly Sam, but Nia and Brainy fairly often. Winn stops by to collaborate here and there. She even texts with Alex sometimes.

It was a shock at first, to know she hadn’t lost everyone after Kara left. It was polite too, that they mostly avoided the topic of the blonde with her. But eventually things became normal again, and being the mature adult that she was, promptly told everyone to _cut the shit_. She could handle hearing about Kara and, though she never admitted it aloud, desperately _wanted_ to.

To discover that Kara was a missing staple for nearly everyone, tears up something new inside of her. Sam said she hardly heard from Kara at all, unless Ruby had left a message. The others didn’t see much of her outside of the DEO and, Winn noted, when he could occasionally trap her into a Mario Kart session. Alex was tight-lipped and protective, but even she admitted to missing time with her sister lately.

She remembers how Kara had pulled away after the Daxamites. At the time, Lena thought it had just been from her, but she’s beginning to suspect Kara had a tendency to isolate when hurting. And even after all this time, _shit_, she rubbed at her chest, the thought of Kara hurting and alone, might be the worst feeling yet.

++++

She isn’t ready. And she can’t fucking wait. She’d texted Alex earlier to be sure Kara was home. Though she couldn’t confirm it for sure, she assured Lena that Supergirl wasn’t out on duty. There may have been a follow up text. Asking her to be gentle, to let her know when it was over.

But Lena had clicked out of the message before she could fully process. It was easier to ignore the other factors at play for now. And if she thought too hard about where this might end, she’s not sure she has the courage to follow through.

As she approaches Kara’s door, hand nearly raised to knock, the door is opened before she gets the chance. Kara’s shocked expression greeting her on the other side.

“Hi,” is what she manages.

“Hey,” Kara doesn’t hide the shake to her voice, nor the fear in her eyes. 

“I—um. May I come in?” 

Kara scrambles to move out of the way, stumbling over her own feet to usher Lena inside. Old habits apparently do die hard, as Kara reaches to help her with her coat, pulling back abruptly when Lena flinches at her touch.

“Sorry,” she hangs the coat anyway. “I should have asked first. I just—sorry. Can I get you something to drink?”

“That’s alright,” she says simply. “Can we sit?” She gestures to the couch and again Kara stumbles, unable to hide her nerves. 

“Of course! Anything you want. Do you—are you ready to—” 

“I need you to elaborate on something,” she interrupts, before Kara gets caught in a ramble. She sits, waiting until Kara follows. “If you’re really telling the truth now, there’s one thing you said that doesn’t add up. You said, with me, you’d never had to do this before. But… everyone else knew?”

“Yes…I understand why that would be confusing,” Kara starts, twisting her fingers, but meeting Lena’s gaze. “Honestly, I’ve only ever gotten to tell my secret twice. The first person was killed. And the second time was kind of a fluke. At the time Winn was my best friend. We’d known each other for years and I knew he adored Superman. I was running on the high from saving my sister’s plane and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Everyone else either knew or found out because someone else told them. The people involved with the DEO knew because of the registry. Kal told James and actually sent him to, like, look out for me. Alex told her ex and, well I think she’s told Kelly already, too. Lillian and Lex knew because of my dad. Sam…actually I don’t know if Sam knows…. the point is, I’d never actually met someone new that I realized I would have to, I guess, come out to, if that makes sense?”

She pauses, checks to see that Lena is still with her. Still hearing her out. At Lena’s nod, she continues.

“I’d only been Supergirl for a year, when we first met. And honestly public opinion of me was still hit or miss. I just—I didn’t expect you. Didn’t expect that you would become so important to me. Like I told you that day, before Supergirl, I’d always planned on keeping the secret, something I’d have to take to the grave. I had to—it’s what had been ingrained since I first landed. I always thought even if I got married, had a family, they’d still never know.

“After Supergirl and the DEO, obviously all that changed. But it wasn’t until you and I had become so close that I realized I _could_ tell you. Then I got stuck on _how_ and if it was even right, considering the danger. Then, I mean, things became more complicated. We fought and I got selfish. I thought, maybe…maybe I could keep you as just _Kara’s_. I was such an idiot. I knew I’d lose you. And I really, _really_ didn’t want to lose anyone else.”

Lena can practically feel the earnestness of Kara’s explanation. Can see the nerves still gripping tight. She barely resists the urge to reach for Kara’s fidgeting hands. Still, she wants more and nods for Kara to go on.

“At some point, I guess, I realized it was just completely unfair of me. I knew it was too late, but you had a right to know.”

“Why did you leave?” Lena was honestly quite overwhelmed at the depth of this new admission. Suddenly all she could think about was that day. The last day she’d seen Kara.

“I—you asked me to give you time?”

“I wish you hadn’t listened.” It was selfish, she knew. Unfair to put that on her. Kara was many things, but a mind reader she was not. The sight of her now—hurting and nervous, and perhaps still a bit hopeful—Lena knew she wouldn’t let either of them walk away this time.

“Me too." 

It was everything they both needed to hear.

“What does it mean for us?” Lena asks, ravenous with the need for reassurances. She doesn’t want to let Kara go again but wonders if she feels the same. “Like, do we actually care enough about each other to be friends again? I’ve been so, I don’t know, empty. And I don’t know if that’s good or bad.”

“I think, maybe, you and I are very used to people leaving.” Tentatively, slowly, Kara reaches for Lena’s hand resting in her lap. “And we’ve got some bad coping skills.” Lena, almost instinctively, turns her palm up. “But I never stopped caring about you. I think about you and wonder if you’re okay, like, every day. I miss you all the time.” Kara laces their fingers with a gentle squeeze. “I guess I thought I deserved it if you hated me. I thought you wanted me to stay away. And I didn’t want to hurt you anymore.”

For once, Lena allows herself to say exactly what she’s thinking. “I miss you, too. I don’t want to let you go again. I just don’t think I know where to go from here. The trust is—”

“I know. Maybe we could start over?”

“I want to,” she admits with another squeeze of their linked hands. “And I’m so scared of wanting it, at the same time.”

She can see Kara thinking for a moment. Notices they’re both relishing in the feel and presence of one another. “Do you remember what you told me, after Medusa? Lillian’s trial was starting, and you told me—” 

“You can’t live in fear. I remember, _Supergirl_.”

“Just something to think about.”

She closes her eyes, releasing a sigh. “So, how do we start over?”

“Stay for dinner? I’ll introduce you to my favorite foods.” An infectious smile steadily creeps across Kara’s features.

“If it’s not potstickers and pizza there’s no hope for us,” Lena teases, a matching smile growing on her own cheeks.

“I’ll introduce you to exactly how much food I can eat, then.”

And just like that, a warmth starts to fill that empty space; Lena feels like a part of her is finally stitching itself back together.

++++

“Okay, so. I think we’ve been keeping things very casual for a while now—”

“Kara, we’re not sleeping together,” she deadpans, ushering a deep blush from the blonde. 

“I’m trying to be serious here. Lena, I just want you to know, whenever you’re ready to talk about it, I’m willing to listen.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I—I can handle it, okay? You’ve never really told me how you felt about, well, when you found out about me. And if we want to keep moving forward, I think you have to be able to talk about it. I don’t want to pressure or force you, but I know from personal experience, you can’t keep things locked in. Eventually you’ll explode and it’s not healthy.”

“Someone’s been enjoying her therapy sessions.”

“Someone has,” she says with an emphatic nod. “Lena, you’re my best friend and I hurt you very badly. I know that. All the things you felt and maybe still feel are valid. I don’t want us to make the same mistakes, keeping secrets that will hurt us down the road.”

“I just can’t yet. But, I will.” 

“Okay. Just—just so you know, I love you no matter what.” 

“I—yeah... Thank you.”

She tells her on a Friday. Post-Game Night, and the rest of their crew has long left for the comfort of their own homes. Lena, having had a glass or three too many remains sprawled across the couch, Kara pushing her fingers gently into the soles of her feet.

It falls from her lips casually: the admission of Lex’s death, and secret he revealed as his last form of torture. She’d wanted to deny it, but the evidence was all there. He’d been tracking and spying on them for years. Even so, a part of her had been building a case too, she’d just always thought the truth would come from Kara eventually.

Kara’s fingers stop in their ministrations as she listens. Lena keeps her gaze locked to the ceiling, occasionally closing her eyes completely as she spills the truth of her pain. She tells Kara in hushed whispers of the confusion at exactly how the was _supposed_ to feel; reveals her anger, and sadness, and understanding all the same.

At some point, she realizes by the feel of Kara’s arms beneath her and the press of their bodies as she’s carried to the bed, she must have fallen asleep during her confession. She thinks she said everything she’d wanted to anyway.

Her eyes flutter open at the press of the mattress beneath her and is surprised to see Kara’s tear streaked face so close to hers.

“Hey,” she whispers, reaching out to brush at Kara’s cheek. “I’m so glad you’re my best friend. I love you, okay?”

“I know,” Kara surprises her again, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead before pulling away and attempting to leave the room.

“Where are you going, Kara Zor El?” Lena abruptly sits up, afraid suddenly of Kara’s reaction to all her truths.

“Just turning out the lights, I promise I’ll be right back,” she says, turning to throw Lena a soft smile just before leaving the room.

True to her word, Kara returns in a moment, carefully sliding into bed across from her. Unable to get the look of Kara’s stricken face out of her mind, Lena turns to face the blonde.

“I’m sorry. For making you so upset,” she reaches out again, tracing her thumb across the now dried tears on Kara’s cheeks. “I shouldn’t have said all that tonight. I drank too much and I—”

“Hey, shhhh,” Kara cuts her off. “You have nothing to apologize for, okay?” Kara reaches for her hands, pressing her lips to Lena’s knuckles. “I hurt you so badly. I want to be so much better for you. I want to spend my life making it up to you,” Kara says, reverence clear in her tone.

The moment is suddenly charged with something so different and new, and yet, Lena thinks, entirely expected. Kara continues to caress the back of her hands, eyes locked to her own. And before she can consciously control it, Lena’s looking at her best friend’s lips and seeing a life play out before them. One where she’s Kara’s, and Kara is hers. Filled with possibility. Overflowing with love.

As the thought crosses her mind, she realizes she’s thought it a hundred times before. So, she whispers, “okay,” leans forward, and kisses her best friend.

She feels Kara wrap her arms around her solidly, moving their lips a bit more intently. And at last, Lena knows they’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this topic has been explored heavily, so I really appreciate you taking the time to read! Would love to hear your thoughts! Or just come say hi! [tumblr](https://goonandkissthegirl.tumblr.com/)


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